Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

I’m sorry…what?

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

doing some research

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea