Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.