I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
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My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
i wonder why they stopped looking
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.