Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

Covert ops

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.

Store clerk: Scotch?

Me: Even better.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man