I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
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Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.