Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.