I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
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As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
how it started vs how it ended
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something