Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

just arby’s bein’ a bro

Breaking news:

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

when there are deer in the woods

who wore it better?

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Meow

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all