I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
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I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…