I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
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looks legit
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes