I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
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Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”