I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
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I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
never compromise your values
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.