Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

British websites use biscuits.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.