Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
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“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used