Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

#Caturday

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

Bless you

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.