“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
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I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”