“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
![]()
You Might Also Like
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
This is my favorite one of these!
![]()
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?