“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
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One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
house sitting!
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “