Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
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I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick