I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
You Might Also Like
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars