I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
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[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
You got this…
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.