Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?