I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
You Might Also Like
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that