I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
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“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda