I need to get some bricks…
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[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?