Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

Me when I try to be useful

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels