Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing