Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.