Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

what the hell pray for carter everyone

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on