Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

😂

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.