Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

bat life

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.