Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

A game married people play.

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

you gotta be faster

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”