I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
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[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.