I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
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A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
