I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
You Might Also Like
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
