I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
this is the best day of my life
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
new shirt idea
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”