I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
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FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave