I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
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Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Warm pools make me nervous.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
guys I’m going home
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes