I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
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Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”![]()
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
#dnd #ttrpg
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That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!