I need to know what happened here in 1620.
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If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who