I need to know what happened here in 1620.
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You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP