I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
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Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
RT if you could go either way.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.