Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.