I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
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“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Good advice.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
How many calories are in Twitter beef?