Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.