I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
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It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Well, that didn’t work.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold