“I need to print out this video.”
“And after that shall we trap light in a bottle?”
“What?”
“And capture fire in a poem?”
“Uh”
“Catch music in our hands? Seal love in a box and mail it to ourselves?”
“I don’t know about all that but could you just print out this video please?”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
early stone age tool
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
