I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.
Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.
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It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Managing expectations
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here