Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clients after you give them your rates

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

a McRib killed my tapeworm

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

Jesus steals the winter solstice

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.