I need to sieze this.
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I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
*pronounces UPS like yoops
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen