I need to sieze this.
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Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I am never leaving this website
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
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Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.