I need to sieze this.
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Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.