I need to sieze this.
You Might Also Like
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”