Who’s the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark
I need to start paying more attention when i’m talking to myself.
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Give a man a cat and he eats for a day. Give him too many cats, and people will be like, “Are you giving cats to that guy who eats cats?!?”
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know