I need to start paying more attention when i’m talking to myself.

You Might Also Like


Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.


Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere


Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for


Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.


Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.


Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat


I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.


*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*