I need to start paying more attention when i’m talking to myself.

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Who’s the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark


Give a man a cat and he eats for a day. Give him too many cats, and people will be like, “Are you giving cats to that guy who eats cats?!?”


Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.


[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”


doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood


Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.


Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.


If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.


[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know