Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
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All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Dudes named Chance never had one.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
🍞🦆
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig