I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
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Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
the council will decide your fate
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.