Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo