I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
You Might Also Like
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
do u think theres a butter planet?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
