Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.