I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
You Might Also Like
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect