Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.