I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*