@Freudianscript

I need to stop Binge thinking.

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@wickedsuga

Found $5 in my pocket.

I vow not to let my wealth change me.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

@zaktoscani

Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

@JonasPolsky

Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.

@SteveDutzy

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

@BruceForce

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

@slimmy_shady

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

@WayneL_Jr

That Chief Keef album hypnotized me earlier. I didn’t even realize I was stealing from my mama purse until she paused my music.