I need to stop Binge thinking.

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Found $5 in my pocket.

I vow not to let my wealth change me.


Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?


Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.


Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.


Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.


Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you


“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”


That Chief Keef album hypnotized me earlier. I didn’t even realize I was stealing from my mama purse until she paused my music.