In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
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Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
My support group can outdrink your support group.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
craving $300 all of a sudden
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”