I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
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Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Smile they said.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.