Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

*gestures to my unmown yard*

“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”

*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*

“This, too, is for the pollinators.”

*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”

“Pollinators.”

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.