I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
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When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
ACED my prostate exam!
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
some Old Testament wisdom
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?