I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
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tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
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[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
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I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
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On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda