I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
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Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
It’s that simple 👊🏻
#math
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I wish I were this cool 😂
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
⚰
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit