I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
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Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Not all heroes wear capes…
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Not today. 😅
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.