I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?