I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
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“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?