Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes.

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

see next tweet for some translations

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will