i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
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There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”