i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
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God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today