i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
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Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”