Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
You Might Also Like
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory