Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

Monica just destroyed the internet

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.