Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?