I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
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Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.