Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

Unexpected Judgment

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

Uh oh…

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.