I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
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Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
this is funnier than any friends episode
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second