I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
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Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
i want enemies
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.