Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

look scared

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

Remember folks 😂

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.