I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
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Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.